Dear Humphrey,

Dude. I understand that it’s raining and that your 100lb butt is truly a delicate flower whose main skill appears to be slurping humans when we least expect it, but did you have to poop right in front of the open door? Also, what possible canine joy could have come from managing to land that chihuahua-sized log perfectly centered on the extension cord?

I think I might hate you.




Stupid Jerk Bird

FoodLady Chronicles – nope/no/nuh-uh edition.

I hear you. Please leave.

Just trying to do some work emails here. I do not have time for this.

Dear pigeon/mourning dove, only death for you lives here. This is not your place. Please fly right back out that door.

*walking into bedroom*

Goddammit, get off my bed.

Why. Why is this happening?

*chases it outside*


Edited to Update: stupid bird came back.
I had chased it outside earlier, but apparently it decided to embrace it’s inner jerk and come back? This time we did a capture & release.

Random Learnings

Random learnings:
1. I will *never* complain about going to my local post office ever again. When your local post office gets squished you end up really missing the convenience.
2. I have never missed anything as much as I miss my fence and gate. I have no refrigeration, only intermittent running water OR electricity (using a baby 2000W generator); turns out I would trade a LOT to be able to play fetch with the dogs in the yard.
3. Puppies are awesome n stuff, but life is easier with dogs over 5 years old.
4. Guilt is a really useless emotion. Everyone has something that is better than our current sub-par life. Whether that be a really good generator, working washing machine, inexplicably good cell phone service, a close-able fence/gate, a working vehicle, a refrigerator, a job, the ability to cut grass…..whatever, everyone has something that keeps them going. What this knowledge has taught me is to really enjoy your personal little “luxuries,” share what you can, don’t feel guilty about whatever you *do* have.
5. Before now, I thought I had experienced every form of tired that existed; I was wrong. In my life I have been physically tired, mentally tired, emotionally wrung out, grief-exhausted, and post-adrenalin crash tired; this has been none of those. This is a different level of weariness altogether.
6. I find I have to take everything one little step at a time just to keep from feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up.
7. Everyone is going to have at least one rather embarrassing hilarious moment of frustrated rage over something incredibly inane. My moment occurred a few days ago when I tried to put on my new expensive sports bra I bought pre-hurricanes to use at an exercise class I had started attending. My rant went something like, “damn Maria diet made this damn bra too big! Dammit! Why!!!!!!?” as I flopped dramatically on the bed. [Please do not say how great it is to lose weight no matter how it happens; there is a vast difference between losing weight while becoming healthier and stronger vs. losing weight due to stress or illness.]
8. While hand washing clothes like it’s frakking 1845 is fine, how in the ever-loving-hell do you get dog hair out of your clothes without a dryer?!

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s all for now.


FoodLady Chronicles – Zippy the Pillow Lizard Edition:

World, meet Zippy; Zippy, meet world. For no good reason, I am remarkably invested in Zippy’s health and well-being and have brought him bugs because his tail is skinnier than I would like. Yes, I know this is weird. ❤❤❤


FoodLady Chronicles – Horsie Visit Edition

Me: *on toilet*

Dogs: *begin going batshit crazy*

Me: *various loud profanities*

Dogs: *take turns running to me while continuing batshit craziness*

Me: *pull up pants and continue profanities while stomping to find out what the *profanity* the *profanity* problem is.*

Dogs: *end is nighe crazy continues*

Me: “ooooh! Horsie-friend!” *Grab carrots, zip outside.* “Hi, horsie-friend! Wanna carrot? Horsie-friend?! Why you leaving?! Come back!! I have carrots! Awwww!” *sadly flashes back to every kitty I have ever chased around while channeling my inner Elmira and walk back to the house*

Dogs: *chest-bumping and high-pawing each other* “Did you see our FoodLady?!! She scared the cologne/snack right outta that horsie-interloper!”

Me: …..and my day has begun.


How Trouble Can Help.

This is Dobby, he is an unquestionable pain-in-the-ass. What’s interesting is that him being the destroyer of all things and a rampant pain is what will save my life.

Putting aside the whole diabetes blood sugar ups and downs thing for which his scent training has paused while we recover from the hurricane; I get depressed. Yes, it is normal to be upset following a hurricane, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the kind of depression that makes it hard for me to get out of bed. I’m appropriately medicated, but that fun little vacation we took to Washington that lasted three times longer than it was planned for did *not* help with the stabilization of the feels.

So, if I lie here and try to rest (aka-forget the world in sleep) having a 50lb pibble vibrating with energy next to the bed ready to find that next adventure keeps me going.

So, given that he has been farting up a storm next to me it appears to be time to go for a potty break…or at least find a gas mask.

There he is, keeping me going again….*grin*


FoodLady Chronicles – Side Eye edition:

Ziesa stood half-on the couch and half-off for about 3 minutes (first photo) and when I finally said her name she gave me some glorious side-eye that clearly stated, “don’t judge me lady!” or something else not as nice. (second photo).


Rodentia War – v1.

Dear MouseRat, you are an Asshole.

No, seriously….you are.

You are *not* a lizard or a bird, you have a sphincter and therefore I know that MouseRat turd left in the middle. of. my. bed. was an act of war. Just one turd. Dead center. Asshole.

I will find you and I will kill you.

Unless you want to go live outside and never come back in, in which case… bygones.

But, other than that, death to you and any of your comrades!!!


Good Morning Dogs!

Dear SamSam, Dobby, Hump

Dear assholes,

I am aware you were left alone for 15 hours yesterday. I am thrilled you survived. It must have been HORRIBLE to nap and snack at your leisure.

I understand you all need attention, but working as a team and sitting on top of me to get me moving felt a little excessive. A special jerk shoutout goes to Dobby who decided to sit ON MY HAIR (owie!) with an additional opportunist award going to Piper who licked my face while my hair was pinned (ewww!) (I came up swingin!).

I managed to get one adorable picture of the happiest SamSam who declared it needed to be Fetchin’ Time! by solidly squashing me.

Good morning world, the dogs are FEISTY!



Dear Humphrey,

I am very sorry the thunder has made you nervous. Perhaps I could soothe you better if you let me breathe?