FoodLady Chronicles – Pig Debacle Pt. 2

That was…..different.
Okay, so the last 30 minutes or so of my life was quite porcine-centric.
So, y’all remember the random pigs that showed up on the other side of my fence a while back? yeah, okay…..so I hear the dogs going batcrapcrazy; I go investigate and what do i find? The same two pigs trying so hard with their wee piggy snootles to break INTO my yard. The dogs were way too excited at the prospect of BACON-ON-THE-CLOVEN-HOOF!!! and this porcine gift from the bush, which must have appeared to the dogs to be something equivalent to going fishing only to have the fish jump into the boat, the doggies went pack-hunt glee crazy and were attacking the fence, each other, tree branches, whatever they could get to because, ERMAGERD!! Piggies!! 
I wrangled/wrassled the fuzzy asshats into the house and secured all the doors, grabbed a handful of dog treats and 4 nature valley honey & oat granola bars (heretofore known as Pig-Crack).
Then it got weird.
I go back outside and the Piggies redouble their snootle attack on the fence, I distract them by throwing two granola bars out into the bush. The pig-crack incited Mr. & Mrs. Pig to new levels of snootle fence attackery, so I walked away and called one of the numbers I saved from the first Pig Debacle. The call was answered and I said, “Good afternoon, is this Owner-Dude? The pigs are loose again” and I’m told that no, Owner-Dude gave him this phone, do you have his other off-island number? Thankfully, yes I do, but it goes straight through to voicemail. I leave a polite version of, “Dude, yer damn pigs are loose. again.”
Meanwhile, I notice Mr. & Mrs. Piggie have begun speeding through the bush and for all intents and purposes appear to be FOLLOWING MY CAT. I think, shit! now the damn pigs are hunting my cat too!  Cat goes up a tree (she ain’t stupid) and pigs just keep doing the pig version of speedwalking past her and onto the road. Well, shit. Now there are pigs wandering down the road at the busiest traffic time of the day. *sigh*
So, that’s how I ended up looking like a damn piggie pied piper using granola bars to lure pigs down the road. Traffic stopped, parents showed their kids the crazy lady out “walking her pigs”, other people wanted to feed them (sure? here’s a granola bar…), and then thankfully, a kindly gentleman stopped who happened to know Owner-Dude, tried to call Owner-Dude’s girlfriend, and then physically went to fimd Owner-Dude while I tried to keep them from wandering too far. It was making me nervous that they kept wandering too close to traffic and I was out of granola bars so I used the last of my dog treats lure them into my fenced-in yard. About 5 minutes later Owner-Dude arrived and then I watched him as he pied pipered his pigs home using a bowl of what I assume was piggie-chow.
I’m tired.
Love,
FoodLady