The conversation I am fairly sure my animals had early this morning.

02:47 – You-Cat & Pratchett-Cat: “I am a boy cat and I hate you!” “Well, I am a boy cat and I hate you more!” “Get off my shelf!” “Fuck you, it’s my shelf!”   All of this actually sounded like, “raaaaawr hiss yoooooowwwl hiss” repeatedly, but I am fairly certain I heard the “fuck you” come through rather clearly.

02:47:02 – Herbert-dog: “BARK BARK BARK THERE ARE CATS DAMMIT AND YES I KNOW THEY ARE THE SAME DAMN CATS I SEE EVERY DAY BUT RIGHT NOW THEY HATE EACH OTHER AND I FIND THAT VERY EXCITING AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BARK BARK BARK—WHIIIIIIINNNNNEEE!”

02:47:05 – Food Lady, now awake and rather pissed: “God Dammit! Someone better be bleeding or so help me GOD someone will be very shortly!” stomps ass out into the kitchen….turns on lights making both stupid male cats blink while looking at me with a “what?” expression. Herbert, losing his goddamned mind is trying to figure out how to leap up on top of the cabinets. “Okay. You are all assholes.” Life-dog standing right next to me, looking nervous and shifting from foot to foot “sorry, Life—not you, you are the only good puppy.” “Teak, dammit! There is NO toast for you right now!” “ENOUGH! Herbert! Leave it. Everyone canine? Bedroom, now”.   All canines trot into the bedroom looking at each other with a, “damn, what crawled up her ass” look on their faces. The jerks.

02:50 – Food Lady closes bedroom door, cats outside…dogs in. Sleep happens.

Now, I wasn’t awake for this part but I am pretty sure this is what happened:

I figure about 06:00 – Teak-dog begins lamenting his lack of toast. Life-dog continues to snore. Herbert-dog is bored and would like someone to play with him now. Teak-dog growls at Herbert-dog. Life-dog wakes up and growls and Teak-dog & Herbert-dog.

This repeats. A lot.  

Around 06:20 Teak Dog starts panicking….there could be toast! Right now! In the kitchen! But this damn door is in the way. He begins to circle. This excites Herbert-dog who goes to wake up Life-dog by licking her face. She hates that very much and to continually show her his love and devotion he continues to do that….but now with a wagging tail. Knocking. On. The. Door.

This causes Teak-dog to FREAK OUT! It is the toast man is here! Let him in! BARK BARK BARK BARK FUCKING BARK!

And at 06:23 on a Sunday morning Food Lady says, Good morning!