FoodLady Chronicles – the gate ain’t done yet edition:

FoodLady Chronicles – the gate ain’t done yet edition:
In the ongoing FoodLady Chronicles of “this is why we can’t have nice things,” great effort, cost, and all of my favoritist tools (bashkins included) were employed in the ongoing drama of “Gate Maintenance.”  Many a moon ago we put in a second latch on the chain link gate…you know, them steel U shaped thingies? … We put the second one down at the bottom and made it more secure.  This flummoxed the brindled bastards for a while, but a few days ago the tension wire either snapped or was gnawed through by the wee-est brindle bastard (Sam).  Following that, the evil pair of them realized the gate was made of mere steel (bwa-ha-ha) and could be defeated with a push and then they could go visit their favoritist stray friends in the bush. 
Well.  Frak. 
But rejoice! We are humans! we have ingenuity! we have a credit card! We even have a home depot within driving distance.  Take some pressure treated lumber, some decking screws, some heavy duty gate latches, a really expensive wheel and (obviously) some string and that damn gate is HEAVY SECURE. It is SO damn heavy secure the it barely opens.  Tonight, while playing the requisite hour(s) of fetch I accidentally bounced the stupid ball out of the yard. So, I *heaved* that sumbitch heavy secure gate open just a little and squeezed out to grab the ball.  Right in the middle of my re-entry gate *heave*, Sam, the wee-est brindle bastard, made a break for it and ran in circles with excited ‘I’m peeing on different grass’ glee.  I sighed deeply and grabbed the squeaker Emergency Dog Recall Device.  (See, there was a toy with a decent honky squeaker and when the toy was dead I pulled that plastic squeaker thing out and it made a great dog-caller.) He came running back because these buggers just cannot resist prey squeakers the Emergency Dog Recall Device. I re-*heaved* that heavy sumbitch secure gate open a crack and Sam stuck his head in and I swear, looked at Herbert in a way that said, “dude, we can DO it, come on!” and before I could close that ridiculously heavy impressively secure gate, those little freedom loving bastards scampered right into the bush. 
So, joy of all joys, I spent 10 minutes on the road next to the bush squeaking utilizing the disembodied squeaker Emergency Dog Recall Device looking (more) like a crazy lady than I would like, going *squeaky squeaky* “come on boys,” *squeaky squeaky* “leave the disgusting hotbed of smells and strays and come and play a game of fetch.” *squeaky squeaky* Midway through this noble display of animal husbandry I suffered a catastrophic failure of the squeaker Emergency Recall Device and the little plastic part that is responsible for the squeaking detached from the accordion bit and landed on the ground.  Well, damn.  I grabbed that piece, brushed it off a little, put it my mouth (judge me, I do) and embraced my New & Improved Travel-sized Emergency Recall Device–Now Twice As Annoying Effective! I honked my way to success and *heaved* everyone back through the incredibly heavy impressively secure gate. 
I think we have some more work to do on the gate this weekend. 

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