Humphrey’s Gifts

FoodLady Chronicles – Humphrey’s Gifts:
Dear Humphrey, you beloved asshole, I welcomed you into our home because, dude, your previous life was shit. You didn’t really realize your life was shit because you have a giant heart and people are your favorite things EVER! But you were chained for the first 3-4 years of your life and until you were lucky enough to get new neighbors who couldn’t handle the deplorable conditions you were kept in, you played with the only thing you had, your chain. Sadly, chewing on a tow chain for almost 3 years completely destroyed many of your teeth and as soon as we can afford it (have Herbert’s vet bill 75% payed; down to less than $1000 now!) we will have all of those broken teeth removed. They have to be painful, but your heart is so big–you don’t show it. Speaking of your sweet heart, yours is full of worms. We are treating that and have been since you arrived and it’s going pretty well. You are also, unfortunately, a cat-hunter and that SUCKS. I hate it and I was really hoping to train that out of you, but it is not going well – your brain has been conditioned that cats are food and I’m currently using segregation methods to keep everyone safe (kittens safe from you; you safe from me if you were to hurt the kittens). I accept all of these things about you and am doing my damndest to make your life awesome, but this morning I’m not going to lie – I was a little shocked. If you had showed up with a German Shepherd-like coat I would have been prepared, but not with your thin short coat. This morning you began what dog people call, “blowing your coat”. Yep, you are losing the thinner, softer, insulating (?!) fur and it is just freaking weird (to me) on a short-haired dog.
In conclusion: Humphrey, you big clutzy galumphy ball chasing broken-toothed heartwormy cat-hunting no-personal-space-giving extra-fuzzy-shedding expensive sonofabitch, you are loved.

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