Ugh.

So, for a while now Herbert has been seriously ill. I have been making notes and planned on writing it all up in my “spare time”. It turns out that I don’t have that so I’m just going to blah blah blah at y’all whenever I think of it.

In the past 24 hours I have either said or thought the following things that, looking back, should not be things humans should have to say or think:
● If I step in one more [insert profanity here] pile/puddle of vomit I’m just going to just lay down and cry.
● So help me, I WILL find the right size sock to make Herbert a jaunty legwarmer! [I did, it’s not just for fashion, it’s to keep him from endlessly licking his disgusting elbow wound.]
●*Herbert jumps onto bed, I put phone down guiltily* I wasn’t looking at well bred dog breeds with genetic testing that would make good service dogs, why are you looking at me like that?
● I have to set up my meds for the week. [Insert Expletive Here], I’m out of that med….oh wait, Herbert’s on it too, I gave him 4 of mine last week……
● I need to download a new medication organization app for Herbert [then spent 45 minutes setting it up].
● *Hears vomiting from other room* Honey!?! Yeah, check and see if that has rocks in it. If it does, don’t let him re-eat it. [Herbert ate rocks. Herbert ate rocks after stealing a bag of dry cat food and tearing into it outside on the gravel and as is my life now, what Herbert eats; Herbert pukes.]
● *wakes boyfriend* Honey, sorry….I need you to get up. Yeah, Herbert jumped up here and vomited on me and the bed. *changes sheets with efficiency; embraces being forever grossed out*

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FoodLady Chronicles -Sneezy/Sleepy Edition:

FoodLady Chronicles -Sneezy/Sleepy Edition: The cat, apparently knowing that I am out of the nasal steroids that defend me from her dander, found my head/pillow to be *the* place to be tonight. Waking up due to my own sneezing is a fresh new feeling. The dogs, sensing weakness, have snuck onto the bed (again). Off to find the benadryl….

FoodLady Chronicles: here we go again puppy fixer-upper

So, things in the house of FoodLady were calm. There were only two dogs and one kitten and it was (generally) peaceful. We can’t have that now, can we? Allow me to introduce y’all to Mia. When I first met this little princess she was a teeny tiny little 8 week old puppy who could fit in my pocket. *sigh* She was just *so* damn cute even though it irritated the ever loving hell out of me that whoever had the puppy before my friend adopted her cut her ears (why do I hate this – let me count the ways: 1. because you cut. the. ears. off. a. puppy. you. narcissistic. sociopath. 2. dogs speak in body language – ears are a large part of that language. when you hack off the ears they end up looking intimidating to humans and occasionally to other dogs – thus increasing the negative stereotype of a pit bull and increase the chances of dog-dog aggression. so please don’t do that because you think it “looks cool” you complete asshole. I’ll tell you what; I will accept you cutting off your dog’s ears if I am allowed to cut off my choice of your anatomy – seems a fair exchange to me). Now, fast forward about a year and a half and she is now a brick-house of a mange-riddled pit bull terrier with an eye infection, clogged ears, and toenails that were seriously out of control. Mia belongs to a friend of mine who loves her very much, but hasn’t been able to get her demodectic mange under control and I believe just became overwhelmed with her issues. I agreed to take on little miss Mia for a minimal boarding fee (covers some of my food costs) and the agreement that I would be reimbursed for all veterinary costs and that she would go back home within a few months.

Miss Mia had been to my house before and that was when I learned that little Mr. Sam Sam and little Miss Mia would prefer to have a bloody show down to the death rather than, say, a puppy play date. To be fair to Miss Mia – she doesn’t start any of the drama, but as soon as Mr. Sam Sam gets out of line she attempts to finish the drama and him, being the stubborn asshat that only he can be, continues to escalate. So, that is why we are taking this round of introductions much more slowly than I have ever had to before.  That isn’t really a problem because I am such a patient person – oh wait, NO I’M NOT. This is making me crazy – it has been seven days as of today strategically using baby gates which is a total pain in the ass. Now, if someone was asking me how long this situation would take to get everyone comfortable around each other I would tell them six months at the minimum. So, rationally I know we are making very good progress, etc. etc. etc.

After 7 days her mange is looking better, her eyes are pretty much cleared up, I have whacked off the worst of her toenails and her poor hacked off ears have been cleaned out (although I have never seen this much disgusting in one dog’s ears before – it is rather disturbingly impressive and at one point *gag* she shook her head and *gag* a giant chuck of ???? stuck to the wall at the vet’s office.) and in general, her nails are wearing down nicely while running around in the yard.  She is getting bathed every 2-3 days, has some disgusting sulfur goop to help keep her itching at bay, taking ivermectin on a daily basis along with supplemental vitamins and fish oil.

*smooches*

FoodLadyChronicles: stinky booty boy edition

Ya know, some days with a service dog are just the best that can be imagined – running around in a field of flowers playing fetch, enjoying sunshine, and everything is fun, smiles and laughter. Then there are some days (like today) when Señor Herbert has the dreaded seriously stinky booty (a/k/a farts) and we are stuck in my enclosed office with watering eyes while I  try to decide if lighting a match would save us or cause us all to explode due to excess methane gas.

There is a miasma of stank today y’all. *blinks watering eyes*

FoodLady Chronicles – absolute best Service Dog comment ever….

FoodLady Chronicles – absolute best Service Dog comment ever edition: I’m in asbestos refresher training and after a break yesterday another student asked if Herbert had been in the bathroom with me. I replied in the affirmative and instead of hearing the standard questions (how does that work, where does he fit, does he use the toilet (no, btw), etc.), I was informed that it was probably not good for Herbert to “see things he isn’t supposed to see.”
That is, quite honestly, the funniest thing I have ever heard and to be fair, trying to explain to someone why dogs just don’t care about clothing and/or bodily functions the way humans do is rather deep existential topic for a Tuesday.
Still makes me giggle though.

FoodLady Chronicles – oops, he was right edition:

Woke up drenched in sweat with Herbert snoring on my pillow. Grumped about “damn slacker diabetic alert dogs,” blearily used one open eye to find my kit and test……huh, 109mg/dL.
Oh, that’s right! I live in the damn tropics in June.
Dear Herbert, I’m sorry I besmirched your good name. Snore on my good dog, snore on. [but get off my damn pillow 😉 ]

FoodLady Chronicles – one year….only 1?

Today (Father’s Day) marks exactly one year since SamSam officially became part of this household and all I can think is…..it’s been only one?!

Bicycles chased – 3
Electronics chewed – 16
Shoes destroyed – 7
Furniture gnawed – 2
“Papa Traps” dug – 19
“Papa Traps” successfully tripping the Papa – 3
Driver seat Foam Removal – 1
Screens Destroyed – 5
Total Estimated Annual Cost of a SamSam puppy? $19,437.00
Watching him be derptastic by fetching a ball at high speed with absolutely no braking ability? Priceless.

Love,
FoodLady