FoodLady Chronicles – cheating bastard edition: Dear Herbert, I *know* my mother is the “original FoodLady” and that she literally cooks dinner for her dogs (and you while you are here) but you may have freaked her out because she just came downstairs explaining that, “you sleep like people.” This will never not be funny to me. *chuckles*
Love, FoodLady (the younger).
PS – not cooking dinner for you every day

FoodLady Chronicles – Herbert visits the tundra v1:
Dear Herbert, you are a wonderfully adaptable dog who will pretty much happily endure whatever shennanigans I force you into, and for that I thank you. After your first two horrified days of assuming the end was frozen freaking nigh you have even come to enjoy playing in the snow. But I have no idea how to explain to you that the snow melting off the roof is not someone trying to kill us and every time it happens you levitating 3 feet straight into the air before leaping onto items to look out the window to confront the evil murdering noise-making snow is damned disconcerting, please stop.
Much love,
FoodLady

So, the original recipe for puppy crack called for liver, unfortunately the smell of boiling liver makes me vomit in the sink. So, if you want to use liver, by all means go right ahead, but I am sticking to hearts.
1. Go to store, buy beef hearts (or livers)
2. throw into large pot of boiling water.
3. boil for an hour or so, don’t let them boil over cause you will have a nasty scummy mess to clean up.
4. After they’ve boiled take them out of water and let them cool. Cut or chop them into teeny tiny training pieces.
5. Place them on parchment paper or aluminium foil on top of a baking pan (no mess) and place them into a 125 degree F oven for 2 hours or until they are crunchy knobby little things.
6. Begin singing puppy crack song which is basically the smelly cat song from Friends except instead of smelly cat you sing puppy crack.
7. Watch dogs follow your every move…

FoodLady Chronicles; Not Nekkid Edition:
So, once the word was out that myself and Herbert were headed to the tundra…err…NW Ohio for the holidays Herbert was gifted a coat and bootie set of which the booties have given me hours of entertainment and he (and I) think the coat is perfect and wears it in the a/c at work. Today he has been gifted an incredibly stunning 2nd coat, which is waiting for him in Ohio. Holy crap, this is beautiful!
Meanwhile, FoodLady is wondering how many t-shirts underneath how many sweatshirts = one winter coat and which pair of steel-toed boots will be best in the cold (the composite pair is my best answer).
Considering this trip is my choice and not Herbert’s; I wouldn’t have it any other way! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

I, FoodLady, am thankful for so much it would be impossible to list everything. But I will say I am incredibly thankful for being able to make people laugh. Along those lines I would like to tell you something that happened last night of which I am NOT thankful; I just spent a good 20 minutes online making sure that I wasn’t completely misreading the situatuon because as I am sure you know–cat behavior is VERY different from dog behavior.
Sadly, I was correct.
YouCat spent a large amount of time in the middle of the night attempting to rape my arm. He *is* neutered and apparently this has happened to other people too. I feel I need a support group.
My night: fall asleep with evil black kitty on her pillow. All is well (just don’t touch her!). Middle of the night comes minor cat fight as white cat wants to be on bed. White cat wins; black kitty leaves. I start drifting off when all of a sudden cat teeth BITE into my wrist and YouCat is gripping my arm. DA FUQ?!? And YouCat learns to fly. I drift off again…. And it happened AGAIN and he flew AGAIN!
Looking back, I should have thrown him out of the room and closed the door but I had just been woken up out of a sound sleep and wasn’t thinking clearly.
All I know is that I woke up with my arms tucked underneath my body (completely numb) and there are not enough showers in the world.
Anyone want a lovely scarred murdering rapist of a white cat with blue eyes? Anyone? Hello?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Dear Violence Incarnate (aka Gertrude kitty), I OW! am very sorry that SONOFA! earlier this morning while you were inside OW! of the cat food bag the other OW! 2 cats jumped on DAMMIT! top of you and the resulting melee left most of COME ON! the cat food on the floor which Doodle (Teak-dog) snarfled OW! up with gleeful abandon while you exploded out STOP IT! of the bag like an alien THAT HURTS! out of a human belly causing the other cats to slink away OW! rather scared and FRAK! muttering something about protecting the food while I OW!! laughed so hard I had to sit OW! down. I’m OW! sorry. BUT HOLY SHIT YOU DONT HAVE TO TRY TO KILL MY ARM TO KEEP ME FROM TELLING THE WORLD YA KNOW!!! regards, shredded FoodLady

Dear Life (the dog, not the concept), I carefully brushed you from head to toe, gave you a nice rub down and as a finale cleaned your ears. I didn’t even use liquid ear cleaner! Just removed gunk (blegh). Now every time you see me you look up at me as if I had beaten you with a shovel and then to ensure I know what transgression I am supposed to feel guilty about you shake your head. I would think perhaps your ear(s) were irritated but i just watched you outside for 20 minutes and there was nary a head shake…..the moment you spotted me I get the *ABUSER!!! expression ~head shake~*. I’m tempted to get out the liquid ear cleaner and watch you stealthily disappear by placing your head under a table. ~sigh~
Life, you are quite the dramatic actress; take a bow!
Love, FoodLady

FoodLady chronicles: worst. game. ever. edition:
What’s that smell?