That Hurt Me in My Feels.

Something unpleasant happened to me last night and it hurt my feelings. For newer readers of the FoodLady Chronicles, I occasionally joke about my neighbors across the road disliking me. I have accepted that this older couple does not want to be friends, but if I am honest I always assumed that if they actually got to know me, we would get along and enjoy a polite neighborly relationship. It turns out I may have assumed incorrectly because it appears that these folks not only dislike me, they may actively loathe me.

Allow me to set the scene: SamSam and I arrived for our 7:30PM obedience class and there was a lovely young lady with a super excited young (7 months) gray puppydog who was just full of excited-crazies. Because the front door was locked and the pretty grayling was getting too stimulated by the presence of Mr. SamSam (who did incredibly well, btw) we walked around to the back door and went into training room to sit in the corner while the puppy class that was ahead of the adult class finished up their Q&As. So while we waited I looked up and saw my neighbor through the glass door. I raised my hand to wave and she turned around and left – I thought she didn’t see me. Just before our class started I went out into the store portion and asked, “Did Ms. Neighbor leave?” and was answered, “Yes.”
Because I am a complete glutton for punishment I couldn’t help but ask, “was it because of me?” and was answered, “Yes.”

Well, shit.

My calm and rational side freaking tried people, it really did. It kicked out all of these super helpful coping statements:

“You cannot control anyone else’s behavior; you can only control how you react to their behavior.”

and

“It’s not worth getting angry about; my self-worth is not dependent on what someone else thinks of me”

and

“People aren’t against me – they are for themselves; I will not take this personally.”

Unfortunately, once my brain thought the, “…I will not take this personally” part, my calm and rational side was beaten into submission by my emotional side who rather correctly pointed out that it doesn’t actually get more personal than driving 30 minutes across the island in the rain, finding parking in downtown Christiansted, going into the facility, and then, even before meeting the instructor or attempting the class at all, you leave to drive 30 minutes home in the rain all because of the sight of another student in that class; me.

I put the whole situation out of my head because Mr. SamSam deserved my focus and attention and he was wonderful. He really has come so far from the Tasmanian Devil of gleeful destruction that he used to be. Unfortunately, while on my way home I couldn’t help but think about the Mr. & Mrs. Neighbor and got myself stuck in a thought loop that went something along the lines of: “I must be a monster – what sort of horrible hobgoblin must I be that the mere sight of me causes someone to quit a class before it even starts.” and then I cried.

Now, in the light of day I am much more rational. I assume the over-excited grayling puppy probably intimidated Mr. & Mrs. Neighbor quite a bit and the size discrepancy between their wee dangerflüff and the other three dogs (each approximately 50lbs) didn’t inspire confidence. Unexpectedly seeing me, their hobgoblin of a neighbor, was just one stressor too many and they gave up. This makes me sad because I really think that if they had put a little trust into the instructor and ignored my existence they could have learned a lot and become happier and more confident dog owners and their wee dangerflüff would have had a better life.

For me, I will continue to try to be a good FoodLady and not let other people’s opinions affect me too much. Dogs’ opinions of me, however, will continue to be of utmost importance.

Love
FoodLady

SamSam the Model

FoodLady Chronicles – SamSam the Model
So, something happened yesterday that was so incredibly funny to the humans in FoodLady’s house that I can only hope to portray it effectively in words.
My favorite store in the world (The Blue Mutt) is producing a calendar of conventionally hot guys and dogs to benefit an animal charity. Hot guys and dogs on beaches? This entire project is my wheelhouse.
A few days ago I was asked if Piper would be available for model work and when I asked Piper she told me to check with her agency and book her through them. Luckily the pretty little diva is available.
Yesterday, I was asked if I also had a brindle-colored doggie and would be be able to model too? Of course I do and his name is SamSam!!!
So last night just after the humans got home, we were all playing fetches and I was happy-puppy-speaking to SamSam something along the lines of, “Mr. SamSam, are you a model? Yes, you are! You’re a super handsome model!!!”
……and he looked me dead in the eye and threw up.
That over-excited-just-drank-a-bunch-of-water mini-urp induced so much laughter and commentary that it is the joke du jour around here.

Per SamSam:
“I’m a model; gotta stay CUT!”
“I’m a model; cue bulimia!”
“I’m a model; what’s a model?”

Meanwhile, Piper continues practicing finding her angles, working her light, having the wind blow through her hair and “smizing” all the while trying to get SamSam to watch at least one season of America’s Next Top Model.

Have a great day!
Love,
FoodLady

SamSam & Piper’s Big Day Out

​FoodLady Chronicles – SamSam & Piper’s Big Day Out or How to Make FoodLady’s Hair Fall the Frak Out!

So, I took this week off of work to give my brain a break and it has been awesome. I started the week just relaxing but made sure to try to schedule some “not me” stuff to do towards the end of it to force me to interact with other humans so that next week I don’t feel super awkward when trying to speak to coworkers. I offered my favorite local store some volunteer time if I could go hang out there for most of the day with a couple dogs (they accepted). Because Ziesa was not feeling well (ate too much rawhide at a friend’s house), I decided to leave her home and take Mr. SamSam & Ms. Piper. Mr. SamSam far exceeded my expectations of good behavior; Ms. Piper did not. Bless her heart, no one explained to her that strange men in hats were not alien invaders coming to kill us all. Poor supportive loving SamSam attempted to “help” by jumping between Piper and DevilHatMan to defend his packmate by barking along, “barkDon’t barkKnow barkWhy barkBut barkWe barkHate barkYou!” 

*sigh* 

But their crowning (embarassing) achievement of the day was when DevilHatMan’s friend was carrying a large box and having a minor short-tempered discussion with Ms. Piper’s and Mr. SamSam’s newest bestest friend which (of course) led to a cacophonous canine rebuttal of, “barkDon’t barkYou barkTake barkThat barkTone barkMr. DevilHatMan’s Friend, barkWe’ll barkEat barkYou barkAnd barkYour barkBox barkToo!”

Other than that incident and them performing random and amazing feats of “in-the-way,” it was a great day! SamSam managed to encourage me to purchase every toy from the clearance toy basket (so thankful he went for the clearance basket!) by playing with each and every toy exhaustively (and adorably). When we got home the poor little man fell into a deep sleep (coma) with all four feets in the air. 

Today, Piper vigilantly monitors the area for potential DevilHatMan incursions and SamSam continues his snoring. 

Love,

FoodLady 

Centipedes & other villains 

​So today my left foot got nailed by a centipede. I didn’t see it, but based on the pain it caused I’m assuming it was about 10 feet long and infected with some form of zombie or vampire virus because holyowowfuckityow. 

Or perhaps I’m just a wuss…..all things are possible. All I know is ice = good and heat = bad. 

While my left foot is working towards frostbite (kidding, I know to remove the ice once the skin turns blackish purple! I’ve watched ice road truckers! 🙂 ), I am being entertained by a pretty little clown named Piper (aka “weird stinky” (don’t ask, we also have “biggest stinky”, “brindle stinky”, and “littlest stinky” who is no longer the littlest. smh)) as she fights with one of the recurring villains at FoodLady’s house known as Evil Knotted Rag! 

Love,

FoodLady

Breaking Story!

Okay, that’s a lie. it’s not a breaking story, it’s not even news to people who have actually taken a few minutes to think about things. But, to some people, what I’m about to say is downright scandalous! Ready? 

There are no bad training methods or tools. 

Say what now? 

Yeah, you will go onto the Internet and your will read scathing reviews Of Everything. 

  • Choke Chains – how could you be so cruel?!
  • Electronic collars – you are abusing your dog!?
  • Give treats?! your dog will never listen to you without treats. 
  • Don’t give treats?! your losing out on bonding opportunities and making happy connections with your dogs/puppies!?
  • Clicker training!?! what, so you don’t have a Clicker then they won’t do anything?! 
  • Extend-o-leashes – you have no control, you are a horrible person!
  • No-pull harnesses – your forcing them to strain. 
  • Gentle-leader-type head collar – you are going to sprain your dogs neck and no dog ever likes them, at best they tolerate them. 
  • Pulling harnesses – not enough control, someone will get hurt!

ugh. everybody just calm down. say it with me now, 

“There are no bad training methods or tools!”

There are pluses and minuses to ALL types of training and tools. For the love of all that is good in this world, please remember that tools in the wrong hands are, at best useless and at worst, dangerous. 

Random non-dog example: I recently had a co-worker express concern about providing promotional screwdrivers because they didn’t “have a cover”. She claimed she thought they were a weapon and she could too easily stab someone. I really feel this said a lot more about my co-worker than the small screwdriver, but I digress – in her hands that screwdriver was a tool of pain and strife whereas to the rest of us, it was a handy little screwdriver. 

So, here are my thoughts!

  • Choke Chains – one of the handiest collars for a dog that loves to get dirty, go swimming, and needs a lot of baths – it washes right along with the dog. Make sure it fits well, make sure it isn’t ever used to “choke” the dog, and make sure you are using it correctly. Keep working with your dog. 
  • Electronic collars – for some dogs and owners an e-collar solves everything. Usually when the human and the dog have trouble understanding each other or for field hunting work. Most of the time the electrical stimulation is very low or set to vibration. That said, you can really fuck this up if you do it wrong. Basically, learn as much as you can about the collar, practice on yourself, and if it works for you and your dog, great! if not, great! it’s a tool. Keep working with your dog. 
  • Give treats?! some dogs *need* to build a happy joy love bond and they are driven by their bellies. If your worried, slowly wean them down while increasing demands. the best training when it’s fun for you and your dogs. Keep working with your dog. 
  • Don’t give treats?! some dogs live to please their humans and while a piece of liver is keen, they would rather feel the joy from you as a reward. It’s okay to not give treats during training. it’s okay to give treats during training. the most important part?! that you are *doing* things with your dogs! Keep working with your dog. 
  • Clicker training!?! I have a rather personal grudge against anti-clicker training people–I spent YEARS not understanding that clicker training is FUN! I was told you can do clicker training or not, but you can’t do it only once in a while. Lies. that is a flat out lie. Clicker training is super fun and helps dogs grasp exactly what you are looking for, but you don’t ALWAYS have to have a clicker. it’s just another fun tool to keep things interesting. Keep working with your dog. 
  • Extend-o-leashes – Holy crap, if there is one thing that the poor people who work at vet clinics and pet stores hate, it’s extending leashes. I can’t blame them, they see them being used in the worst ways. Sure, let your dog be in total control in a large pet store! what could go wrong? Such was the hatred for extend-o-leashes that I bought one super stealthily online and told no-one. I wanted it so that I could let my dog go outside in mid winter in the Midwest while I stayed inside. Which was perfectly FINE. If you love your super long leash, awesome! use it safely. If you need to be in tight control of the dog, use a different leash or lock it short. If you need the dog to be able to go 30 feet but still be connected to you? you are using the correct tool. Keep working with your dog. 
  • No-pull harnesses – read about them, use it wisely. Ensure dog is wearing the correct size and safe. Keep working with your dog. 
  • Gentle-leader-type head collar – if you have a dog that you are finding hard to walk on a leash, slowly introduce the head-collar, and give it a try. It is so much better to have a dog be able to go for a walk then to have them stuck at home and never leave because you can’t control him. Keep working with your dog. 
  • Pulling harnesses – If you can use it safely and it works for you, rock on! To each their own, and keep working with your dog! 

So, I don’t know if my ultimate message has made it through, but it boils down to this: whether you have a 200lb behemoth or a 2lb danger-floof, the more you interact and do things with your dog, the happier you both will be, so remember to keep working with your dog!

Also, no-one out there knows everything, so take that into consideration as you are finding your way. While it is always easy to think of someone else’s way/method/tool as being the wrong way/method/tool, before you make any final judgements about anything, spend some time and think about it and see if maybe you should try it. 

And always, keep working with your dog!

Love, 

FoodLady 

Rooster Apologies

​Dear (dumbass) Rooster, I am very sorry for the stress and trauma that you underwent in my yard at 07:08 this morning. You are apparently new to the area and the other chickens did not inform you of the only important safety guideline for prey animals enjoying FoodLady’s front yard: If the door opens – RUN/HOP/FLY OVER THE FENCE. 

Okay, I mean maybe you got the first three words of the safety guideline because you sure as hell did all of those but you forgot the most important part – over the fence. 

Thankfully(?), the really fast one (Humphrey) has minimal teeth and when he caught you (the first time) you lost some feathers, some dignity (see next apology) and you gained quite a bit of drool – I’m sorry about all of that. I would also like to apologize for the “little” dog aka Ziesa. Please understand that you running around the yard was probably the most exciting thing that has ever happened to her in her 8 months of life. Because you were pretty busy running for your life and all, you may not have noticed she is not as fast as the other dogs. I believe this may be affecting her self confidence. However, that does not give her the right to bounce up and down on you with her front feet while Humphrey holds you down – it was just rude. “Roosters Are Not Trampolines” shall be a discussion we have later today. 

Lastly, I’m sorry that, after Humphrey caught you (the second time) that I had to pick you up and toss you (gently) over the fence, I promise it came from my concern for your safety. I am very sorry that you were treated as a trampoline, are covered with dog drool, and that you lost some feathers. I can sympathize greatly with the first two (both happens to me a lot), but I cannot imagine the tragic loss of pretty butt feathers. 

Next time, please remember – Door Opens? Get outside of the fence! 

Love,

FoodLady

Schadenfreude

​So, the other day I was away from the house when Darrin called me with some info that filled me with schadenfreude (see, see? proof I’m not that good; I experienced a rush of joy when hearing of others’ misfortune). You know the people I occasionally write about who seem to sort of relish calling the police if there is a loose dog in the neighborhood (except for the loose stray last week that was sitting in front of their gate, but I don’t think they saw him). 

Anyway, Darrin called to tell me that their little fuzzy dog was running up and down the street with his human chasing him all the while yelling at him (fyi – exactly what not to do). Imagine my disappointment when Darrin wouldn’t embrace the wee little devil on my shoulder’s plan to call the police and/or go stand in front of the gate and scream as if the wee fuzzy-wumpkins was a hellhound there to steal souls. 

*sigh* 

The really good stuff never happens when I’m there to truly enjoy it. 😉 

(note, I am not condoning loose dogs. Loose dogs are a hazard and a large amount of our time and money is spent actively repairing and reinforcing our fencing to keep our jerks contained. That said, things can and do happen. Please go to doggonesafe.com to learn more about what to do if you come into contact with a loose or stray dog to prevent being bitten.)

New Horsie Friends

​Dear new horsie-friends, 

I don’t know what you readbon the horsie friends facebook, but FoodLady’s house is more of a canid-centric rather than equine-centric locale. Sure, sure….exceptions happen, but I can say with absolute certainty there is not enough room for you on the bed. Anyhoodle, I admire the new approach (through the back neighbor’s yard) and your stalwart stance of “don’t give a f*ck” regarding a Humphrey fully losing his shit through the fence with full volume never-ending BaWooo!s supported by his backup singers in a band tentatively titled, “The Assholes.” 

As per my ongoing FoodLady horsie-friend duties, I have provided you with the requisite bucket of clean water to enjoy and removed the loud dogs from your location. Do not forget to uphold your end of the contract by NOT providing said loud dogs (aka “The Assholes”) with their favorite snack/eau de toilette. 

KThanksLuvYaBye! 

-FoodLady

Animals…too many animals. 

​This weekend…has gone to the (asshole) animals. No, seriously – not kidding. 

Went to breakfast yesterday with the dogs safely locked away in the house with access to what we lovingly refer to as “the poopin’ yard” or “shitville” depending on our mood. When we returned from breakfast there were two horses in our yard – because why wouldn’t there be two horses in our yard?!? *sigh* So, with the two horses happily munching on grass and all of the dogs maniacly performing acrobatics in shitville because OMG THERE ARE TWO HORSES IN THE YARD AND OMG CAN WE EAT THEM CHASE THEM WEAR THEIR POOP THERE ARE HORSIE FRIENDS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Gave horsie friends some water and moved them along and closed the gate. When the dogs were released from their tortuous separation from the yard that used to have horses in it, the blessed jerks exhaustively examined every. individual. blade. of. grass. that the horses came into contact with and discussed amongst themselves about how they would get to chase them next time! *sigh* at least the horses didn’t leave the dogs any snack/cologne suprises. 

Fast forward to this afternoon: I was outside with the dogs playing fetch and I see out of the corner of my eye movement I know all too well – lost/lone/stray dog. well….shit. At least I saw it before the braying pack of idiot horse hunters did. I finished playing with my pack of misfit dogs and lured them inside before grabbing a half-can of kitty food and a wooden spoon all the while selfishly saying, “please be gone please be gone please be gone.” I know it doesn’t make me a good person, but I am spread too thin as it is right now and it would just be so damn nice if it didn’t have to be me dealing with it. Alas, he wasn’t gone. There, hidden in the tall grass next to the fence belonging to the neighbors who hate me, was the stray. I walk out through the gate thinking, sure….I’ll get close and he will run away. Nope. I got close, he flipped over and wiggled joyously. Shit. I sat down about 5 feet away from him and he ran over – thrilled to meet a human. Damn. He had fleas and ticks (pre-bath) and one ouchie foot, but generally appears in decent health. He is probably about 6 months old, intact (aka not neutered), loves other dogs, loves people, loves food, thinks mirrors are keen, does not think baths are that keen but definitely enjoyed running around like an idiot after said bath. Of course, as I’m attempting to wrangle dogs into various contained areas guess who shows up at the gate? Yep. The horses. “Hay! Lady! (sorry, I had to pun there) Got any more of that good water stuff?!” The only dog outside at the time was Ziesa and bless her heart, she put on quite the show of home defense! She ran as fast as her wee little legs could take her to the gate and by golly, she got there in just under 2 minutes squeaky snorting and grunting the whole way! I cleaned and filled the horse water bucket (yeah, this would be the previous pig water bucket for those of you keeping score on random animals that visit FoodLady’s fence) and put it outside the fence where they could access it safely. Ziesa and I returned the the house; her in triumph of home defense and me shaking my head and wondering at what point I ended up with a visiting farm animal water bucket. 

Stray Dog, temporarily referred to as Boo-Boo, is now passed out in the office and separate from the other dogs keeping Darrin company while he (Darrin, not Boo-Boo) finishes up some paperwork. 

Boo-Boo weighs about 20lbs and looks like a perfect miniaturized version of belgian malinois and although you can’t see it in these photos/video, has wonderfully mobile and expressive ears! The video and photos were taken during our first meeting. If ya know him or where he belongs, please message me. I will be taking him to Animal Welfare as soon as I can to scan for a chip, etc. His info and photos were also posted on various local groups, etc.